I want to walk on stilts...naked
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize