No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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