ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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