highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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