Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
