I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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