i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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