Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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