You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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