there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
