And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
