I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
