I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
