How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Randomize
