i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
