why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
