Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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