i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
