I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Two words: blizzard sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
