Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
