well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize