so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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