i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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