***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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