Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
