i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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