He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize