Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
