i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
