I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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