im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
