Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
