My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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