i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
