Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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