bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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