if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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