this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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