I just threw up on my dentist
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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