I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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