Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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