I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
