omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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