I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
