She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
