Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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