I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize