Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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