last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
