Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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