Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
