When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
