Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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