I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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