Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
