You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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