I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
