Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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