one might say we're banned from that church
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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