he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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