I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
