Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize