Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
